I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
