forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
