i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
