forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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