omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
