i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
