Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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