You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
there is puke in my bra ... again
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