i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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