For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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