Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
