you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
