Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
