Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
