Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
