It's Friday. Sex?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
