made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
