Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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