Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
