hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
