I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
