Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
