Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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