I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
