The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
