Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
