uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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