Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
