I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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