there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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