I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
