I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
