OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
