I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
