And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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