Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
