i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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