he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
