Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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