I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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