I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
