I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
