Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
