Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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