Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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