im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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