Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
