Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
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