Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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