i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
