I can't watch pbs sober anymore
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
