Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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