Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
whose ass print is on the piano?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
