So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
