At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
