You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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